Lately life feels like it’s been passing me by, I mean honestly, how is it November already? How is nearly 2016? It is ridiculous. This post is me taking a step back for a moment and realising how far I’ve come. As you probably know, I have struggled with anxiety, depression & agoraphobia, (I’ve previously talked about my self harm story, my depression and my anxiety) and lets be honest it has been one of the most difficult battles I have ever fought.
Looking back though, I’ve realised that through it all, it has made me a stronger person, I have learned things that I never thought I could, I understand myself more and not only that I know that I can face anything and come out of it a stronger person!
On Monday I had an appointment with my private doctor about my mental health and progress recently, and I have to be honest, I’ve been in the best place that I’ve been for a few years now and I am definitely feeling it too. Of course I still have moments but that is natural and I am taking them in my stride.
I am able to go out on my own a lot more, even go off around a shop alone, which is a big thing for me because I used to panic in busy places and when I did go out, I would stuck to someone, whether that was my family including my in laws, Paul or my best friend, I had to be with someone.
I very rarely panic now, if I do it is sometimes because I overthink (sometimes my mind is my own worst enemy) and it doesn’t have to be big things that could trigger it, sometimes it can just be where I have a few moments to myself and my mind tends to wander. When I do panic, I have techniques, deep breathing, imagining my safe place which is usually with my husband Paul, and tapping techniques which all help me to calm down.
Through the appointment my doctor was so pleased with my progress, but not only that he said it was time for me to start coming off one set medication completely! I of course was completely over the moon as it is something that I have wanted to do for a while and I finally feel like it is the right time.
I’ve been reducing one of my medication for around 3 months now, and it has been so scary, of course like I said it is something I wanted to do but when my doctor said that I should be able to come off one of them by Christmas, it literally felt like Christmas was tomorrow. What I worry the most about is the fact that I don’t remember a time when I was off medication, and that sounds so sad, but that is just me being honest. I don’t want to go backwards, I want to continue moving forward with my life and find happiness at some point in the future without medication and to be able to manage my mental health alone.
I am looking forward to the future, I feel like I have come so far with my mental health, I feel more comfortable in myself, I feel like the Amie who slowly faded away a few years ago is coming back. Actually my doctor even made the comment that I’m getting my humour back, although I have to admit, I speak fluent sarcasm so I’ll let you judge that one! I am looking forward to what the future has to hold, I hope at some point I will hear the pitter patter of little feet and the relationship that Paul and I have will grow from strength to strength (I know it will because we have a special kind of love.)
Here is to the future and my healthy happiness.