Recently my emotions have taken a turn for the worst, I’ve had some ridiculously low self confidence, I have been hating my body, and I feel like everyone is judging me for everything that I do. I have been having a lot of these moments recently and it has been emotionally draining, so I’ve decided to document these difficulties, what has been going through my head, but also if you are struggling with the same thing, that there’s support out there for you and you don’t have to go through this alone.
why i have low self esteem
As most people will know, I’ve been on a weight loss journey, a journey that has taken me a long time, but also one that I have struggled to come to terms with. I think the reason this happened was because I hadn’t actually noticed myself getting bigger, I know you’re probably thinking how could you never have known? Well I think at first I dismissed it like it was nothing, you know where you wash clothes and they start to shrink, but one of the huge factors as to why I was putting on the weight had a lot to do with my tablets. I know that might sound like an excuse but honestly it isn’t, I would go through days where all I would eat was an ice lolly and then I would have days where I would practically eating everything is sight, lord knows I’ve had moments where all I could eat was a Chinese (this was before I went vegan) or other very unhealthy food.
Why i started my weight loss journey
At first I started looking and photos that had been taken of me being out with my family and my husband and when I looked at the pictures, I didn’t recognise the person staring back at me.
These were the 2 photos that changed my life, these 2 photos made me disgusted, disgusted that I had abused my body in this way, disgusted because I didn’t realise what I was doing and I was just getting bigger and bigger and if I hadn’t woken up and realised what I was doing, I guess I would have just continued the way that I was going. Please don’t ask me what is going on with my eyebrows, they are terrible.
HOW I STARTED
I first started with clearing up my eating habits, I used to eat lots of the wrong foods, and when it came to chocolate I was addicted to it, I’d have one of those Lindt Easter bunnies, a day, literally a day. It was like my treat, and yet I would still go about eating them even though I didn’t want them. I didn’t appreciate what I was eating, yet I knew exactly what I was doing, but nothing changed.
I decided that it was time to say goodbye to all of the chocolate every day, and I also reminded myself that now is the time to start loving myself, loving my body, accepting myself for who I was, but also treating my body like a best friend, would I have done this to my best friend, would I let my friend eat their life away. It was me time now.
WHat went through my head
When I started all that was going through my head was:
- I’m ugly
- I’m worthless
- I hate myself
- I am lost
- I am scared
- I’m never going to be good enough
- I can’t ever change
Why was this going through my head? Because I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw this person looking back at me that I didn’t recognise, all I wanted was a time machine which would send me back to the person I was when I left school, I was happy and content.
WHat should have been going through my mind
- I’m beautiful
- I am worth it
- I am going to learn to love myself
- I will find myself
- I will get through this and be courageous
- I’m more than good enough
- I can change
How far have I come
Well as you can see from my before pictures, I’ve come a long way, I no longer have the worst sense of style, but also everyone is noticing how much weight I’ve lost
I still have a long way to go, but I’m on a fabulous stepping stone to being healthy, happy, loving myself, my own happiness, but I’m feeling fabulous.