Honestly coming off medication has to be one of the most scary things in the world, especially when I have been on them for almost 3 if not 4 years. As most people will know I have suffered from anxiety, depression and agoraphobia for a long time now, but in the last year or so, I have been in a really good place, I’m working really hard to battle my mental health and try to get my life back.

I have been ready for a while and when I spoke to my doctor, he agreed that if I was ready and because of the incredible progress that I’ve made over the last year or so, guess who is cutting down their tablets? It literally feels like I’m walking into the unknown knowing I’m coming off my medication. It’s like I’m in a room with the lights on, and taking at step forward and the lights just go off, no one is home.

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On I have documented quite a lot all about mental health and where I am at currently with my mental health, but I think it is important for people to be able to have a list of things that they could do on days when they are having a bad mental health day.

So what do I mean when I say a bad mental health day? I know when it comes to my mental health, I end up overthinking the things, I become very distant, tired, withdrawn, I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone, I wouldn’t have slept very well and my anxiety will kick in.

On those bad days however, I have some wonderful people around me who are my reason for battling through those bad days and working towards those days where I want to be able to smile more than my cheeks understand possible.

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To Those Who Are Struggling,

When someone asks me to describe depression it’s easier to use a metaphor. To Stephen Fry, depression is a black dog which follows him from room to room. To me, it’s a dark, storm cloud looming overhead, just waiting to strike. It hails, it pours, it thunders and will do anything to blow you down. Anyone who has been plagued by depression – or anxiety for that matter – knows how inconsolable, how alone and empty you can become.
But you’re not alone. As I am writing this I’m going through one of the worst stages of my life. It’s ridiculous that the stigma and stereotype of my illness has forced me to become incredibly self conscious, embarrassed even, to say that I suffer from depression. There I said it. I suffer from depression. To add, I also have severe social anxiety. In fact, for the full blown confession, I am housebound. I don’t leave the house apart from the odd GP appointment or shopping trip. For someone who used to work in the media, for someone who was lively, confident and outgoing, it feels like I’ve been replaced by my polar opposite. This illness has taken chunks out of me, it’s taken parts of my personality that I’m so desperate to reclaim.
Its like I’m a prisoner of my own mind (does that even make sense?) Everyday I’m battling through, trying to keep my head above water. Yes, I do sound like a lost cause, but every day I’m getting there. I’m slowly getting better. I just want you to know that, if you’re struggling too, this is not it for you. This is just a rocky time, a blip, a hiccup, whatever you want to call it – but you will get through it, I promise.

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This post is about how difficult it is coping with the memories of flashbacks, this is one of the most difficult things you will have to deal with, when you’re going through anxiety and depression, you can get those flashbacks that were horrible memories for you, mine was the abuse I suffered and what was said to me, the other was remembering what I was like that time a year ago, I would look back and remember what it was like to keep smiling and laughing and being able to walk out the front door on my own without having someone next to me, being able to enjoy the fresh air and just be able to do the normal things that everyone takes for granted. The thing is though, I’m still going through it, which is what is so hard, but I have a few ways of working through it!

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