Honestly coming off medication has to be one of the most scary things in the world, especially when I have been on them for almost 3 if not 4 years. As most people will know I have suffered from anxiety, depression and agoraphobia for a long time now, but in the last year or so, I have been in a really good place, I’m working really hard to battle my mental health and try to get my life back.
I have been ready for a while and when I spoke to my doctor, he agreed that if I was ready and because of the incredible progress that I’ve made over the last year or so, guess who is cutting down their tablets? It literally feels like I’m walking into the unknown knowing I’m coming off my medication. It’s like I’m in a room with the lights on, and taking at step forward and the lights just go off, no one is home.
Lately life feels like it’s been passing me by, I mean honestly, how is it November already? How is nearly 2016? It is ridiculous. This post is me taking a step back for a moment and realising how far I’ve come. As you probably know, I have struggled with anxiety, depression & agoraphobia, (I’ve previously talked about my self harm story, my depression and my anxiety) and lets be honest it has been one of the most difficult battles I have ever fought.
Looking back though, I’ve realised that through it all, it has made me a stronger person, I have learned things that I never thought I could, I understand myself more and not only that I know that I can face anything and come out of it a stronger person!
Suffering In Silence
As most people know on my blog I have struggled with depression, it is something that I am very open about talking about, however when it comes to what happened during that time I haven’t opened up very much. I was so depressed, about so many different things, things that had happened to me during my childhood which were hidden, things that happened that I didn’t tell anyone and also the people that I had lost throughout my life.
What hurt the most is the fact that I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt but not only that I didn’t know how to say it, so instead I would bottle it up and sweep it under the rug for a later date when in realise, all I did was try to forget about it. When it comes to talking about mental health, there is a lot of stigma related to it and that is another reason I was very scared that people would look at me differently.
This post is about how difficult it is coping with the memories of flashbacks, this is one of the most difficult things you will have to deal with, when you’re going through anxiety and depression, you can get those flashbacks that were horrible memories for you, mine was the abuse I suffered and what was said to me, the other was remembering what I was like that time a year ago, I would look back and remember what it was like to keep smiling and laughing and being able to walk out the front door on my own without having someone next to me, being able to enjoy the fresh air and just be able to do the normal things that everyone takes for granted. The thing is though, I’m still going through it, which is what is so hard, but I have a few ways of working through it!